The Detroit Post
Monday, 29 November, 2021

Why Are Cats Evil

Carole Stephens
• Wednesday, 25 November, 2020
• 9 min read

Now, while we wait for the internet to descend on me like Sauron’s army, I shall explain why. Years of nameless, nondescript goldfish, hamsters, rabbits and guinea pigs have created in me a passive indifference to most pets and instilled in me a very “meh” attitude to anything cute and fluffy.

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You might think you're investing all that time and energy into building a beautiful relationship with your pet. This is because cats are naturally unresponsive to punishment; they only respond to praise and rewards.

So no matter how many times you spray Mr Bojangles with water for clawing the sofa, he'll never learn. They definitely have a bad attitude, but even worse, they think they're better than you. They prance around like they own the place, peeing everywhere and expecting you to clean it up for them.

They know you will wait on them hand and foot and provide them with a constant supply of food. An interesting fact that you might not know is that cats also have a “cry” which they used to manipulate humans.

If anything, this proves that even cats know they are evil creatures, and they have to impersonate our children to try and manipulate us into doing their bidding. The average person has probably spent 7,638 hours watching cat videos.

You could have read 300 life-changing books in that time, gone on 47 enlightening walks through nature, had countless deep and meaningful conversations with friends and family. Mindless, dull, repetitive and completely devoid of any value, these are the bane of my life and I can’t understand why anyone wants to waste their time watching them.

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They hunt and bring you dead animals (we’ll get to their sadistic, murderous instincts in a moment), because they think you are too stupid to catch a bird or a mouse on your own. And if Disney has taught us anything, it's that witches are inherently evil and don't just want to put a spell on you, they want to kill you (Sleeping Beauty wouldn't have been much of story if Maleficent had done her job properly).

The perfect heartless sidekick; they don't care whether you live or die, as long as they're getting some tuna at the end of it. Considering cat lovers are so vocal about their love for all things cute and fluffy, it seems strange that people are happy to ignore the fact that cats are tyrants who pick on mice, birds and other creatures.

Not only do they kill them (to arrogantly show you that they’re better than you), they usually play with their prey, torturing the poor animals before a slow and painful death. Some famous examples include Dr Evil from the Austin Powers movie series, with his ugly cat Mr Biggles worth, Caramel and Israel from the Smurfs, and even in the Harry Potter series, caretaker Filch has his own snitching sidekick in the form of Mrs Norris.

Essentially, when a cat is rubbing up against you or lying in your lap, it doesn't want affection, it is marking you as its property. That's because in the wild, cats dig holes to bury their business.

This is because they don't want to challenge the dominant cat on his own turf, so it's a way of admitting who's boss. Between all that purring and meowing, people conveniently forget that cats also hiss.

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Most animals, big or small, are scared of snakes, which is why cats send their ears back, hiss and spit, in an attempt to mimic a venomous snake. NAD, just worth noting that cats aspire to be an animal THAT CAN KILL YOU.

When they lick their paws, and their fur, and everywhere else for that matter, they aren't trying to give themselves a bath, they just want to rid of the disgusting stench of human. Cats themselves no doubt orchestrated this whole obsession in their quest for world domination, but it's time we put them back in their place.

(@macilynnnnnnn) August 7, 2014, Seriously, what is the deal with single girls and cats ? It's not cute and it doesn't make you quirky, lovable or funny, which I know you're trying to be.

If you want to get creative, obsess over literally any other animal in the whole world. This parasite, which lives in 30 to 50 percent of the world's human brains, can only reproduce in the digestive tracts of cats.

Scientists studied the behavior of T. Gandhi in the brain of a rodent, an animal normally petrified by cats, and uncovered extraordinary results. Now, the newly-brave, manipulated rat thinks it can befriend its mortal enemy, and it can't.

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“The fact that a parasite has learned to sneak into brains, hack some biochemical wiring, and effectively reverse a deep-seated, primordial fear that’s been beaten into the inherited psyche of every living rodent is, in a word, bonkers.” You might think your cat is your only friend while you're alone on a Saturday night watching Netflix, but he actually likes you as much as every crush you've ever had does: not at all.

The “kitty kiss” relays certain information about how the cat is feeling. If the cat blinks at you, it's a good thing, but if he doesn't, he's asserting his dominance and potentially feeling aggressive.

All of these subtle movements could be hard to catch if you're not watching closely enough -- which you can't do because staring in a cat's eyes for too long could prompt an attack. People who live alone and own a cat, beware: If you die by yourself in your house, nobody will know right away, so your body will stay there for several days.

According to a phenomenon called “postmortem predation,” a cat will eat your dead body one or two days after you die. Studies have shown that a dog struck with this phenomenon will at least wait a while before attacking your corpse, so it's possible that someone will have found you by the time the dog realizes he's starving.

Don't feel so safe living alone with your cat now, huh? All mammals have the required number of taste receptors to detect sweetness.

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They lack amino acid pairs that make up the DNA of a gene called Tas1r2 that codes for an ability to taste sweet things like cupcakes. Instead, cats love the flavor of adenosine triphosphate (ATP), a compound that supplies energy in all living cells and acts as a signal for meat.

A 2013 study revealed that each year, domestic cats kill 20.7 billion smaller animals, including mice, chipmunks, voles and 3.7 billion birds. Many of you probably find it “cute” when they bring their prey to your house and leave it at your doorstep.

Normally, it doesn't do anything to harm those humans whose brains it calls home (well, except make you love cats) because your immune system knows how to handle it. Feline feces are true safe havens for T. Gandhi, so you can contract toxoplasmosis by cleaning up your cat's sh×t.

Scientists studied how humans responded to cat purrs mixed with a high-pitched cry. Cats know how sensitive we are to the needs of human babies who also cry, so they try to trick us into paying attention to them by wailing like children.

In the study, human owners felt a higher sense of urgency in a situation when cat's purring included crying. Looks like cats are losers and pea-brained, which means stupid.

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Now, imagine waking up the next morning and going home still smelling like that pillow. If these leaders, who range from notably brave heroes to evil relentless dictators, feared cats in their lifetimes, perhaps we really should start thinking about how awful they are.

Tiny muscular twitches in their ears demonstrate that they can pick out their names as well as their owners’ voices against background noise, but more often than not they simply choose to ignore it. A quote from the same study said ‘The behavioral aspects of cats that cause their owners to become attached to them are still undetermined’.

What science does know however is that humans find certain things ‘cute’ by nature, which include large eyes, purring noises and shows of affection. While cats were popular pets in Ancient Egypt, it appears that the domestication possibly goes back much further to Cyprus 12,000 years ago.

Best practice for now is to carry on stroking your cat, but to make sure you give it plenty of space when it’s eating or sleeping. So cats started eating our food one day and then just manipulated us to let them stay.

They eat our food, carry parasites, poo in our homes and avoid spending time with us whenever possible. On the other hand, we actually brought dogs into our homes because they already had evolved traits such as friendliness and affection due to their pack nature.

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“The idea that cats are uncaring evil animals feeds into cruelty -- kids tying firecrackers to their tails, for example,” anthropologist John Bradshaw told The Huffington Post. Other myths -- like the idea that cats can be left home alone for days on end -- may lead otherwise well-meaning individuals to give their pets less than great care.

But the claim that cats don't feel affection for their owners has more basis in stereotyping and sensationalistic media reports than reality. Signs of affection include “raising their tails upright when they see us, rubbing their heads or flanks on our legs, licking us when they're sitting next to us purring when we stroke them,” he said.

But even those cats need environmental enrichment, like toys and places to climb, as well as social interaction with their humans, she said. “ shouldn't be left alone all day and night without someone checking on them, interacting with them and cleaning their litter boxes,” Krieger said.

In other words, if you're going out for more than 24 hours, hire a cat sitter or enlist a friend to check in on Fluffy. Krieger explained that cats can be left home alone while their owners are at work or out for relatively short periods, but they need things to do while the people are gone.

“During the day, while their owners are at work, they need plenty of environmental enrichment, such as toys they enjoy batting around, high places to climb, things to scratch,” she said. She also recommended creating “treasure hunts” by hiding treats around the house for the cats to find.

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Telltale signs are a cat that's become lethargic or overly clingy, started to groom itself excessively or begun to have trouble with the litter box. Every few months or so, it seems there's a flurry of new articles warning of the dangers of Toxoplasma Gandhi, a parasite sometimes found in cat feces.

Research has found a correlation between T. Gandhi infections in humans -- which most commonly result in mild flu-like symptoms in healthy people -- and developing schizophrenia. Additionally, a pregnant woman who contracts the parasite can pass it to her fetus, potentially causing a miscarriage.

But the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention doesn't recommend that pregnant women, or anyone else, give up their cats. Since cats can only contract the parasite in the first place by eating contaminated raw or undercooked meat or consuming an infected rodent, the CDC also recommends keeping your cat inside and keeping its paws away from raw meat.

And they can get it from contaminated soil, which is why you should thoroughly wash vegetables and fruits before eating them and clean your hands after gardening or digging in the dirt. Animal trainer Samantha Martin's troupe of traveling felines that play musical instruments, jump through hoops and skateboard will convince any naysayer that cats can indeed be trained.

The clicking sound serves as an “anchor” to alert the cat to the specific action that you're rewarding. Both women also describe clicker training as a way to strengthen your bond with your pet, provide mental stimulation and curb bad behavior.

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You might think that your cute cat is spending his or her days rolling around lazily and soaking in the sun while you're gone, but the occasional dead mouse or a bird feather stuck between its teeth might be a good suggestion about the Satan worshiping rites your furry companion does while left alone. Summoning demons, speaking with Satan and selling their souls to the dark lord might seem like a sacrilegious pastime, but these evil cats don't even blink twice if asked to communicate with the underworld.

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